Uncertainty

Uncertainty.  It is life in a nutshell.  There is only so much in our lives that we have complete control over.  As a yoga teacher I never know how many people will come to class, I never know if they like the sequence I created or the music I choose to play.   I joke sometimes to other teachers and to the people who work behind the desk that waiting for people to come in for a yoga class is similar to waiting at home on Halloween night for kids to ring your doorbell.  We often think if I do this, then this should happen.  But how much of the planning, the doing actually leads to what we thought should happen?   How often do we catch ourselves saying "I didn't see that coming." 

We are always in a transition.  One moment to the next.  Living, breathing, moving through our lives.  Maybe saying "I didn't see that coming" is comforting and provides a sense of steadiness that yes life has its ups and downs and twists and turns.  A turn in my life as of late is that our bloodhound Annie has melanoma.  She sleeps a lot which is pretty normal for most dogs and especially bloodhounds.  But there is a stillness about her when she sleeps now as if the next breath may not come.  She doesn't like to be loved on and that is really what we want to do to help her feel better or to just let her know we are there for her.  Annie's best friend Lucy our lab/chow mix constantly licks the space between Annie's eyebrows.  Which is either a signal that there is more cancer and/or it is Lucy's way of taking care of her as well.  Annie at times can't get comfortable when she lays her 120 pound body down.   She will move back and forth between a bed, a dog bed, and the floor.  When she does finally find "the spot" she will stay there for hours.  I watch her and wonder how will Lucy get along without her best friend.  She is my husband's favorite dog.  I gave her to him as a gift.  I watch her and know that my husband will be heartbroken when she dies. 

I try to hold the tears back.  A lesson I learned about holding tears back on December 14th the afternoon of the Newtown shootings was to not hold the tears back.  Crying helped me acknowledge what had happened and to let my heart feel pain and compassion and empathy for anyone who was affected by that senseless day.  Cancer does not make sense.  Annie is a huge part of our family.  And not just because she is a huge dog.  Bloodhounds are like cats they pick and choose when they want you in their lives and with 5 other dogs in our house her aloofness kept me from having a deep connection to her.  Because of the cancer and our numerous vet visits together,  Annie and I have finally developed a relationship.  From uncertainty to certainty simply by being together.

It is not about the number

There were at least 10 pairs of pants on the dressing room floor.  10 pairs of lululemon pants.  Christy and I arrived in DC and our first stop after checking into our hotel was lululemon.  It was Friday, November 21, 2008 and we were in town for a workshop with our teacher Baron Baptiste.  At the time there was not a lululemon store in our area so this was like walking into a candy store for me.  I started trying on pants and was astonished at how tight everything was.  I kept getting size 4 because that is what I wear in Ann Taylor and Talbots which had been my working wardrobe for years.  The sale person brought me a size 6.   I had never worn a size 6.  Ever.   I waited and just kept trying to convince myself I could lose weight and come back and fit into the 4.  After all that was my size.  Keep in mind Ann Taylor has a size 0.  I had put myself through college by competing in pageants.  I was in the Miss North Carolina pageant twice.  My pageant weight was 88 pounds.  Seriously.  No one asked me to lose weight.  No one asked me to work out.  I just stopped eating.  I could go 2 weeks eating a turkey sandwich a day and sometimes an entire week without eating at all.  In my mind, this is what I had to do.  So yes, I was anorexic.  Because of my past history with food I have discovered that I cannot do a cleanse because within a day or two I feel my body start to shut down to conserve energy.  I now get shaky if I skip a meal.  I have learned to pay attention to my body's cry for help.  But as I looked at the pile of pants on the floor I was mentally preparing for what I was going to have to do to get into a size 4.  What was it about that number?   And why would I not even attempt the size 6?  Why was I applying this pressure to myself?

Recently I had a former student who completed my teacher training tell me that a doctor took her class.  After class he  told her if she was going to grow her career as a yoga teacher, she would have to lose weight. Another student remarked to a teacher that she was glad the teacher was pregnant because she thought she had let herself go.  Who has decided what a yoga teacher should look like, how much they should weigh?   Is it Yoga Journal magazine with its covers of thin, white women, is it advertising in general that we are bombarded with of photo shopped women?

I tell my students in class to not judge themselves, to not compare themselves to others in the yoga room and to be happy with what their body is offering.  Why is the advice that I so freely give to others so hard for me to take?  I want to say well because I am human.  But really is that a cop out?  Truthfully, I have negative thoughts.  Not every thought is about rainbows and butterflies.  I worry,  I get angry, I am jealous.  The key for me now is to acknowledge these thoughts and not ignore them.  I do not make decisions based on these thoughts.  I let them pass through me and tell myself you are a good person and you are making a difference in the world.  And if you wear a size 6 you will make just as much of a difference.  You are not validated by a size.  And while I may have to remind myself of this because I like so many struggle with body image, deep down I am happy with who I have become.

my aha moment

A typical resting heart beat is 60-100 bmp.  When I was diagnosed with Grave's Disease/Thyroid disease my resting heart rate was 140.  I had been to the doctor and complained of not being able to sleep at night and sweating.  She said you are getting older and you are most likely going through pre menopause.  I was getting ready to turn 40.  About a month later I could not walk across the room without losing my breath.  I literally had to sit down to try to breathe.

One of my yoga teachers made the comment in a class "don't wait for your body to scream at you, pay attention to the whispers." I knew something wasn't right because I didn't feel well.  The whispers of not feeling well.  I went back to my doctor.  I explained that it was hard to breathe especially after doing something physical.  Oh it must be allergies she said. This was in February in the Philadelphia area and I would get headaches before a snow storm but this was the first time I had a difficult time breathing while I was walking or going up a flight of stairs.  She put me on an allergy medication.  I took one pill and didn't sleep for two days.  I felt every heart beat.  It felt like my heart was going to come out of my chest.

"Don't wait for the screams kept going through my mind." I went back to the doctor.  Finally she said let's do some blood work and check your heart rate.  My heart rate was 140 bmp.  She looked at me as if something was wrong and made the comment let's wait for the results to come back.  That afternoon I got a phone call from the doctor's office that I needed to go to the emergency room right away so they could put me on beta blockers to slow my heart rate down and that I needed to find an endocrinologist because my blood work was off the chart.  And the added words of wisdom that left me spell bound - don't do anything that will stress you out.  I arrived at the emergency room and was told that with my 140 bpm heart rate I was borderline heart attack.

I was diagnosed with Grave's Disease and had my thyroid removed in May of 2005.  I will take a pill every day for the rest of my life.

We live in our heads most of the time completely caught up in our thoughts, our worries, our stress, our fantasies about the future.  And yet it is our bodies that carry us every where we need to go in our lives.  Do something that brings you back into your body: yoga, pilates, walking, biking, swimming, trx, cross fit.  Develop a better relationship with your body and don't live in your head so much.  Because your body needs you to pay attention.  It needs you to pay attention to the whispers.  I owe my life to my yoga practice.