It is not about the number

There were at least 10 pairs of pants on the dressing room floor.  10 pairs of lululemon pants.  Christy and I arrived in DC and our first stop after checking into our hotel was lululemon.  It was Friday, November 21, 2008 and we were in town for a workshop with our teacher Baron Baptiste.  At the time there was not a lululemon store in our area so this was like walking into a candy store for me.  I started trying on pants and was astonished at how tight everything was.  I kept getting size 4 because that is what I wear in Ann Taylor and Talbots which had been my working wardrobe for years.  The sale person brought me a size 6.   I had never worn a size 6.  Ever.   I waited and just kept trying to convince myself I could lose weight and come back and fit into the 4.  After all that was my size.  Keep in mind Ann Taylor has a size 0.  I had put myself through college by competing in pageants.  I was in the Miss North Carolina pageant twice.  My pageant weight was 88 pounds.  Seriously.  No one asked me to lose weight.  No one asked me to work out.  I just stopped eating.  I could go 2 weeks eating a turkey sandwich a day and sometimes an entire week without eating at all.  In my mind, this is what I had to do.  So yes, I was anorexic.  Because of my past history with food I have discovered that I cannot do a cleanse because within a day or two I feel my body start to shut down to conserve energy.  I now get shaky if I skip a meal.  I have learned to pay attention to my body's cry for help.  But as I looked at the pile of pants on the floor I was mentally preparing for what I was going to have to do to get into a size 4.  What was it about that number?   And why would I not even attempt the size 6?  Why was I applying this pressure to myself?

Recently I had a former student who completed my teacher training tell me that a doctor took her class.  After class he  told her if she was going to grow her career as a yoga teacher, she would have to lose weight. Another student remarked to a teacher that she was glad the teacher was pregnant because she thought she had let herself go.  Who has decided what a yoga teacher should look like, how much they should weigh?   Is it Yoga Journal magazine with its covers of thin, white women, is it advertising in general that we are bombarded with of photo shopped women?

I tell my students in class to not judge themselves, to not compare themselves to others in the yoga room and to be happy with what their body is offering.  Why is the advice that I so freely give to others so hard for me to take?  I want to say well because I am human.  But really is that a cop out?  Truthfully, I have negative thoughts.  Not every thought is about rainbows and butterflies.  I worry,  I get angry, I am jealous.  The key for me now is to acknowledge these thoughts and not ignore them.  I do not make decisions based on these thoughts.  I let them pass through me and tell myself you are a good person and you are making a difference in the world.  And if you wear a size 6 you will make just as much of a difference.  You are not validated by a size.  And while I may have to remind myself of this because I like so many struggle with body image, deep down I am happy with who I have become.